Don't Make Assumptions | The Four Agreements - Part 3

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are right. We can almost swear they are real.

The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a powerful little tool for connecting with yourself and showing up in your life in a healthy way. If you haven’t yet, check out my last posts about the first agreement and the second agreement. The third agreement is Don’t Make Assumptions.

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are right. We can almost swear they are real. Assumptions are actually a little voice inside of us that no one else can hear! Enter our RAS again. Do you remember that your RAS goes out to find evidence and stories for you that your beliefs and stories are true. So you are making up a story, and then believing all the evidence that you find. It’s so believable because it came from your reality and the lens of your experience. Making assumptions is really just a way we are trying to control our thoughts and the situation around what is happening right now.

What Sets This Agreement Apart?

This agreement combines what we already have talked about. We make assumptions, make it about ourselves, and then it’s easy to use our words to confuse or convince others.

We create additional problems when we assume, we often misunderstand. Assumptions take out the need for curiosity. We believe we have the answer, so we don’t need to clarify anything. Where is the communication in that? It is absent.

Often in relationships we assume they know what we want and need. This is a lie that the world and especially Hollywood have tried to get us to believe. In all the Rom-Coms there is a moment when suddenly one character knows what the other one needs or wants. It is easy, it seems effortless, it’s a lie.

This also leads to hurt feelings, we assume that our partner knows what we need and then we are hurt when it doesn’t happen. Instead, try speaking your expectations, especially about important days like holidays. I used to get sad after every Christmas day that we had not taken the perfect family photo. It wasn’t until I realized that I had not made time to take the photo or shared with anyone in my family how much I wanted it. How were they supposed to know if I didn’t tell them? So, on Christmas evening when I was once again disappointed, I realized all I needed to do was ask! My family doesn’t love to take pics, but I love to have them and so they oblige their mother. :) Now it is easy for my to say, “hey, let’s take a picture so we can remember how much fun we had today.”

We also assume others know what we want or need and so we don’t communicate that either.

How Do Assumptions Work In Relationships

In any kind of relationship we need to practice communicating. First step is being aware of what that is for us, and then practicing expressing those wants and needs to those around us.

Another assumption we make in relationships is that our love will change a person, or that if they loved us they would show up in the way we want them to. This is wrong. Remember from the first agreement that everything someone else says and does is about them. And because of them. Actually, if someone changes, it is because they want to. I have seen many times when someone changed something “for” someone else, and later felt resentment because they were not living according to their own values and choices. That sort of change is not sustainable or peaceful.

“Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

Be Brave, Ask Questions When You Don’t Understand

The way to stop making assumptions is to learn the art of clear communication. First you must be aware and impeccable with how you feel. You can’t speak your truth if you don’t know what it is. When you are aware of how you feel, and sure that it is without judgement of others or yourself, then you can move onto communicating it.

In the room where I help run a support group for women is a poster. It has a profound statement and it took me a long time to understand the words and how to make it apply in my life. It says:

I know what I want and what i don't want

and I can communicate I clearly and lovingly

without attachment to the outcome.

There are so many parts to this saying. First I have to know what I want, then I have to be brave enough to say it, and lastly, as I practice that, I learn to not be attached to what the other person does with my request. What they do is about them and I don’t need to take it personally anymore.

As with the other agreements, this one is not easy to change your patterns, but it is totally doable! It takes patience with yourself and others and practice because like any muscle, it is strengthened as we practice it. And all of this is washed over with a big dose of grace!

“When you transform your whole dream, magic just happens in your life. What you need comes to you easily because spirit moves freely through you. This is the mastery of intent, the mastery of the spirit, the mastery of love, the mastery of gratitude, and the mastery of life.. This is the path to personal freedom.”~ Don Miguel Ruiz