5 Steps To Holding Space in a Relationship

As you hold space, you allow the person you are with to be in their emotions while also staying connected to yourself.

Holding space is a term that gets used in today’s world and isn’t always understood. It means being able to be present with someone physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. As you hold space, you allow the person you are with to be in their emotions while also staying connected to yourself.

An important part of holding space for someone else is listening without judgment, agenda or expectation of how you think they “should” feel or be. We all see the world through the lens of our own worldview and experience. As we allow someone else to express their thoughts, feelings, desires and emotions without trying to fix, solve a problem, or manage them, we give the gift of space.

What Does Holding Space Really Do?

As you hold space for someone else, you create a safe place for them to express and process what they are feeling. As you are holding space, you are literally creating just that...space.

Have you ever had a problem that felt so big you couldn’t think about it anymore and needed to share it just to get it out of you? When you thought about who you could share with, were you looking for someone who could take the pain away from you or who would solve your problem? Initially, I believe we just want to be heard. There will always be time for brainstorming and list making later. We don’t want to be fixed - only heard and respected.

Holding Space Is Healing

Healing comes from having our wounds, pains, fears, worries, joys and sorrows seen and heard. As we release them we find the relief that can come from not having to hold that inside of us any longer.

Another part of holding space is being able to process what is coming up for you and not allowing it to dictate how you react. If I’m truly listening and trying to be there with someone, I have no agenda for changing that person. I withhold criticism and that allows the other person to show who they are and feel safe enough to share it with me.

Steps to Holding Space

Listen - Have you ever been in a conversation and realized the other person didn’t even hear what you said because they were too busy thinking about what they were going to say next? That doesn't feel very connected does it? A good way to stay present is to rephrase and summarize what you hear. It can sound like, “what I just heard you say is… Is that what you are saying?”
Don’t Be A Fixer - If you find yourself moving into “fixer” or list maker, stop yourself and get present again. Fixing and solving are not ways to be present. It can feel invalidating and powerless to the person hurting. They might hear, “I need someone else to solve my issues.”
It’s Not About You - Resist the urge to relate it back to something that happened to you. It doesn’t create safety or space for your partner when you redirect attention to you.
Assure Them That You Believe In Them - When holding space for someone, you don't have to agree with what they are saying or the actions they take. Letting them know you believe in them and their ability to figure out what to do next will be affirming to someone who is facing trials.
Give Space For Emotions And Whatever Comes Up - It’s hard to predict what will come up when you hold space for someone. It might be your instinct to run, to fight, to touch or anything else. You create that safe space as you just allow the other person to just let it out.

You can’t master this overnight. It sounds so simple in theory but actually takes practice and involves self care for the person holding space. Learn to be fully present as you hold space for those you care about.

Who is holding space for you? Who are you holding space for?

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Hi, I'm Tera, I am so glad you found us.

Tera Brown
Certification Director
Emotional Safety Mentor
Intuitive Life Coach and so much more

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